pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
