Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
