these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it's like iHOP with fire
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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