sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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