Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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