Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Having a random hookup so left but love u
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
