wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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