I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
