I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize