when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
