JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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