Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
