just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
