is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
