I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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