I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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