I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
