i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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