I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
