i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
