She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
