i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize