i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
