My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
