I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize