So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
