The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
