I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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