I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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