God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
