I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
