I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
