i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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