she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
