Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
