Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
