you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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