so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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