My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
