I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
