but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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