I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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