I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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