I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Mom said you looked used
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
