seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
