This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
