I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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