Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
