He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize