Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
