He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
