Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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