my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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