I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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