I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
