if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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