DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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