I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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