i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
