Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
