Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
