Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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