Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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