Your dad touched me again.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
