I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
