She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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