Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
